A recent conversation I had with Superman
SM: Jazz, I need to talk, it’s about Lois.
JB: Yeah, what’s up?
SM: I’m sensing some distance, it’s like she’s just not that into me anymore
JB: Dude, I hate to break it to you but she’s been married to another guy for over 4 years
SM: Yeah so what’s your point?
JB: She left you 4 years ago for another man, that’s my point.
SM: I think she still loves me.
JB: She got a restraining order against you, I think it’s safe to say she doesn’t really love you anymore.
SM: I think that restraining order was her way of telling me she loves me
JB: Ummmm, I think I distinctly remember her saying that she hates your guts and never wants to see you again and wishes you would “fly your ass back to Krypton, crawl into a hole and die”
SM: Yeah but that was over a week ago
JB: Sit down for a second Superman. I’m going to give it to you straight. LOIS DOES NOT LOVE YOU ANYMORE! You have to let this one go, she’s moved on. You haven’t been with her for over 5 years, she moved to a different state, got a restraining order and hired Lex Luthor as her personal body guard to keep you away. She even wears a Kryptonite vest just in case you ever decide to come around.
SM: I think it’s just her way of saying she’s still into me
JB: Ummm, no, no it’s not.
SM: She seems so unhappy though
JB: She’s happier than she’s been in years. She has three kids with another man, she’s a successful journalist for the New York times, she won a Pulitzer prize for her book “Superman the Life and Times of a Douchebag” and she was made a Dame of the British Royal Empire and she’s not even British.
SM: Yeah but I’m Superman
JB: Superman, you’re one of my best friends but you need to take a close look at yourself? You’re an ass! You fly around like you own the world. You’re a womanizing, pot smoking drunk during the day and you egg people’s houses at night. You’re cheap as hell……in fact you’ve even sent me an invoice after I came over to your place for dinner one night.
SM: Those steaks were expensive man.
JB: You need to quit being such an ass.
SM: But what about my ability to fly and my super cooling breath that can freeze water and my eyes that can burn through steel like laser beams?
JB: These are all things that you can do and granted they are really cool but it’s who’s inside that counts. It’s what kind of person you are that really matters, not your laser beam eyes….that shit is getting old and this conversation is starting to piss me off.
SM: Do you want to come over later and hang out?
JB: Sure dude, that would be fun.
SM: Great, I’ll see if Lois wants to come.