A recent conversation I had with The Hulk
Hulk: Hey Jazz, you got a minute?
JB: Yeah, sure thing Hulk, what’s up
Hulk: I just don’t seem to connect that well with people these days. I mean I used to really hit it off with everyone but now people just avoid me for some reason
JB: Uh huh…..
Hulk: And I can’t seem to keep any girlfriends longer than one date
JB: Uh huh…..
Hulk: And my….you know…..my testes are shrinking
Hulk: Look man, it’s really embarrassing, I’m not sure what the problem is
JB: Look Hulk, I’m going to level with you. You know what the problem is?
Hulk: Umm no
JB: Dude, c’mon, I’m like your best friend here, I know what’s going on be straight with me
Hulk: What do you mean?
JB: Don’t be shittin me hulk, it’s pretty obvious
Hulk: What’s obvious?
JB: Dude you gotta lay off the steroids man
Hulk: Are you accusing me of what I think you are?
JB: Oh come on man, it’s pretty obvious
Hulk: WTF, I’m not juicing
JB: Hulk it’s time to come clean buddy, I know you’re doing some kind of wacky shit
Hulk: What makes you think that?
JB: Are you kidding me? Have you taken a look in the mirror lately? You’re enormous man. This is ridiculous, you’ve grown like 2 feet since I last saw you, your absolutely huge, I mean look at you in your ripped cut in half jean short things and that shirt thing or whatever it is.
Hulk: You mean you don’t know my story? About how I got like this?
JB: Oh dear, here we go again……yeah, I know, the thing with the military experiment and all that, I’ve heard it dozens of times before but it’s a load of crap and you and I both know it. You’re so deep into the steroid lie that you can’t even remember the truth
Hulk: No but seriously, there was this military thing with something else and some experiment thing that went wrong and there were these guys who did this thing and it was dark and a lot of stuff happened and the military was involved and they made me into the hulk.
JB: Are you listening to yourself?
JB: Seriously, listen to how ridiculous you sound
JB: Dude the signs are all there. First of all you’re the biggest man I know by far. You have an incredibly short temper when you get angry, that’s called roid rage, your testes are so small they’re disappearing back into your stomach…those are called roid raisins and that green shit all over you, I’m not even sure what that is.
Hulk: That’s my skin, that’s the color of my skin when I get angry
JB: No, nope, no…..it’s make up, look, I can scrape it off with my finger….how long did it take you to put that on anyway?
Hulk: 3 hours
JB: Do you do it every day?
JB: Hulk you have to get hold of yourself. Steroids are very bad for you and you look like an idiot
Hulk: You don’t like my muscles?
JB: No, you went too far, they’re too big dude, they look stupid
JB: Seriously man, do you ever even do any cardio?
JB: You need to get your ass on the stair climber and treadmill and shed some of that crap
Hulk: Cardio? Cardio is for sissy’s! I eat cardio machines for breakfast
JB: Seriously man, look at all your cardio options these days…..it’s great….you got the stairmaster, stair climber, elliptical, spin bike, inverted bike, bike with arm things, Nordic track, treadmill, fitter, rowing machine, hand cycle…..heck, there’s a toy for everyone who is just too dam lazy to go for a walk outside. You can even watch TV while you do it so you really don’t have to be engaged with the activity at all. You can be completely void of any attachment to the joy of fitness. You can get on a thing that moves your limbs for you while you watch Jerry Springer interview a neo nazi pedophile who is sleeping with his moms sister. Cardio is really great these days.
Hulk: I only do bench press and leg press, how else do you think I got like this? How much can you bench press little man?
JB: I can bench about 100lbs
Hulk: Ha, that’s so lame, I can bench press a car and I can leg press all the 45 pounders at once. I may not have any nutsack but I have quads to die for.
JB: Did you just use the term “to die for?” Anyway, big deal Hulk, have you ever considered the strength of your heart? I’m telling you man, you need to start doing some cardio.
Hulk: Ha, “strength of your heart”, something sissy’s would say. My heart isn’t for strength it’s for love with the ladies
JB: How are you supposed to “love the ladies” if your testes are shrinking back into your abdomen. You’re a moron Hulk, get a grip. Steroids are for losers.
Hulk: hmmm, ummm, hmmmm
Hulk: umm, hmmm, ummmm
Hulk: sniffle, sniffle
JB: Are you crying?
Hulk: sniffle, sniffle….DON”T LOOK AT ME!
JB: OMG, you’re crying!…..ha, that’s awesome….., you’re make up is running….ha, awesome
Hulk: I’m so sorry man, it’s time to come clean, you’re right
JB: That’s it buddy, let it out…..let it out…..that’s it big guy……it’s going to be alright.
Hulk: sniffle sniffle
JB: Come here you big green cuddle bear, c’mon, give jazzy a hug
Hulk: sniffle, sniffle, thanks man, I love you man
JB: It’s going to be ok Hulk…..gonna be just fine.