JB:  Ok Steve, be straight with me, is that really your hair or is it some kind of helmet?

SH: No that’s my real hair

JB: Dude, don’t be shittin with me, that has to be a helmet

SH: No man, for real, this is my hair, feel it.

JB: Oh wow, that really is your hair.  That’s just creepy.

SH: Is that all you came over for?

JB: Yup, just wanted to find out for sure.  We had a pool going and I just lost $50.

SH: You had a pool going on whether my hair was real?

JB: Yeah

SH: And you bet on my hair actually being a helmet?

JB: Ummm, yeah.

SH: Wow, that’s not really what I would call “being a good friend”

JB: Oh don’t be so serious about it, you have to admit that it looks hilarious

SH: Yeah I guess you’re right.

JB:  Pals for life?

SH: Pals for life!

SJ: Dude is that your cell phone?

JB: Yeah

SJ: You’re using the harp ring tone?

JB: Yeah

SJ: Seriously?  You’re actually using the harp ring tone?

JB: Yeah, what’s the problem?

SJ: THAT IS SO LAME!  The harp ring tone was made for sissy’s, what’s your problem?  Are you a sissy?

JB: Wow…….gee Steve, I didn’t know you were so mean

SJ: Yeah but seriously, the bloody harp ring tone……c’mon man.  Haven’t you seen the other ring tones we put into that thing?  Like we got all kinds of really awesome ones….here….check this one out……dogs barking…., awesome, that was my idea….you know like “who let the dogs out”…..so awesome.

JB: Yeah i just don’t really like that ring tone.  I use it for one of my friends because he has dogs and I think that’s funny but as a default ring it’s a bit obnoxious

SJ: Yeah but what about the Old car horn?  Man i get such a kick out of that one

JB: Yeah dude, super annoying, it’s so dam loud.  I’m telling you the harp is real soothing.

SJ: Ok ok ok….pin ball, you gotta love pin ball

JB: No man, seriously, it’s annoying as shit, have you ever listened to pin ball?  It’s really sharp.  I’m telling you man, the only one on there that doesn’t shoot my adrenaline through the roof is the harp….you should try the harp.

SJ: Time passing?

JB: too dire

SJ: Trill?

JB: too anxious

SJ: Robot?

JB: not bad actually but i’m not 5

SJ: Digital?

JB: Shit Steve, have you ever ACTUALLY listened to that one?  It’s brutal, it makes me want to chuck my iphone at my wifes PC

SJ: “Ascending”?

JB: I’m not a mouse

SJ: “Old Phone”?

JB: I’ll admit it’s classy….but no

JB: Look Steve, why don’t you guys make some cool ringtones like a really sexy voice that says “hey big boy, someone’s calling, are you going to answer that or just tease me all day?”.

SJ: Why do you like the harp so much?

JB: Because man it doesn’t just suddenly punch you in the face.  It slowly builds into a nice soothing sound…..like someones hand softly carressing your ass before giving you a nice, light, flirty slap.

SJ: “Piano Riff”?

JB: Dude I gotta go.

SJ: I’ll call you……set my ring tone to “Sci-Fi”, it makes me feel mysterious

JB: Get some help buddy.

JB: Hey I just got this package from you but there must be some mistake

Shimano: Yes, we sent you a package

JB: Yeah but did you check it before you sent it?

Shimano: Yes, what do you mean?

JB: I mean, did you check and see what you were actually sending to me?

Shimano: Yes, I’m pretty sure we did, why is there a problem?

JB: No, ummm, no problem at all, just wanted to be sure you actually meant to send that package

Shimano: Look, it sounds like there might be a problem.  Was there a problem with the package that came

JB: No no…..no problem at all

A recent conversation I had with myself later that day

JB: Ha, they must have made a mistake for sure…those idiots….they must have thought this Di2 group was going to Oscar Freire…..this is the coolest thing I’ve ever seen.  It’s all electric and all I have to do is push buttons to switch gears….you gotta be kidding me!   And check out these wheels man…., prototype C75’s for sure this was not supposed to be sent here…….what they don’t know won’t hurt them i guess.

Hulk: Hey Jazz, you got a minute?

JB: Yeah, sure thing Hulk, what’s up

Hulk: I just don’t seem to connect that well with people these days.  I mean I used to really hit it off with everyone but now people just avoid me for some reason

JB: Uh huh…..

Hulk: And I can’t seem to keep any girlfriends longer than one date

JB: Uh huh…..

Hulk: And my….you know…..my testes are shrinking

JB: Nice

Hulk: Look man, it’s really embarrassing, I’m not sure what the problem is

JB: Look Hulk, I’m going to level with you.  You know what the problem is?

Hulk: Umm no

JB: Dude, c’mon, I’m like your best friend here, I know what’s going on be straight with me

Hulk: What do you mean?

JB: Don’t be shittin me hulk, it’s pretty obvious

Hulk: What’s obvious?

JB: Dude you gotta lay off the steroids man

Hulk: Are you accusing me of what I think you are?

JB: Oh come on man, it’s pretty obvious

Hulk: WTF, I’m not juicing

JB: Hulk it’s time to come clean buddy, I know you’re doing some kind of wacky shit

Hulk: What makes you think that?

JB: Are you kidding me?  Have you taken a look in the mirror lately?  You’re enormous man.  This is ridiculous, you’ve grown like 2 feet since I last saw you, your absolutely huge, I mean look at you in your ripped cut in half jean short things and that shirt thing or whatever it is.

Hulk: You mean you don’t know my story?  About how I got like this?

JB: Oh dear, here we go again……yeah, I know, the thing with the military experiment and all that, I’ve heard it dozens of times before but it’s a load of crap and you and I both know it.  You’re so deep into the steroid lie that you can’t even remember the truth

Hulk: No but seriously, there was this military thing with something else and some experiment thing that went wrong and there were these guys who did this thing and it was dark and a lot of stuff happened and the military was involved and they made me into the hulk.

JB: Are you listening to yourself?

Hulk: Ummm

JB: Seriously, listen to how ridiculous you sound

Hulk: Ummm

JB: Dude the signs are all there.  First of all you’re the biggest man I know by far.  You have an incredibly short temper when you get angry, that’s called roid rage, your testes are so small they’re disappearing back into your stomach…those are called roid raisins and that green shit all over you, I’m not even sure what that is.

Hulk: That’s my skin, that’s the color of my skin when I get angry

JB: No, nope, no…..it’s make up, look, I can scrape it off with my finger….how long did it take you to put that on anyway?

Hulk: 3 hours

JB: Do you do it every day?

Hulk: Yes

JB: Hulk you have to get hold of yourself.  Steroids are very bad for you and you look like an idiot

Hulk: You don’t like my muscles?

JB: No, you went too far, they’re too big dude, they look stupid

Hulk: Really

JB: Seriously man, do you ever even do any cardio?

Hulk: No

JB: You need to get your ass on the stair climber and treadmill and shed some of that crap

Hulk: Cardio?  Cardio is for sissy’s!  I eat cardio machines for breakfast

JB: Seriously man, look at all your cardio options these days…..it’s great….you got the stairmaster, stair climber, elliptical, spin bike, inverted bike, bike with arm things, Nordic track, treadmill, fitter, rowing machine, hand cycle…..heck, there’s a toy for everyone who is just too dam lazy to go for a walk outside.  You can even watch TV while you do it so you really don’t have to be engaged with the activity at all.  You can be completely void of any attachment to the joy of fitness.  You can get on a thing that moves your limbs for you while you watch Jerry Springer interview a neo nazi pedophile who is sleeping with his moms sister.  Cardio is really great these days.

Hulk: I only do bench press and leg press, how else do you think I got like this?  How much can you bench press little man?

JB:  I can bench about 100lbs

Hulk: Ha, that’s so lame, I can bench press a car and I can leg press all the 45 pounders at once.  I may not have any nutsack but I have quads to die for.

JB: Did you just use the term “to die for?”  Anyway, big deal Hulk, have you ever considered the strength of your heart?  I’m telling you man, you need to start doing some cardio.

Hulk: Ha, “strength of your heart”, something sissy’s would say.  My heart isn’t for strength it’s for love with the ladies

JB: How are you supposed to “love the ladies” if your testes are shrinking back into your abdomen.  You’re a moron Hulk, get a grip.  Steroids are for losers.

Hulk: hmmmm

Hulk: hmmm, ummm, hmmmm

Hulk: umm, hmmm, ummmm

Hulk: sniffle, sniffle

JB: Are you crying?

Hulk: sniffle, sniffle….DON”T LOOK AT ME!

JB: OMG, you’re crying!…..ha, that’s awesome….., you’re make up is running….ha, awesome

Hulk: I’m so sorry man, it’s time to come clean, you’re right

JB: That’s it buddy, let it out…..let it out…..that’s it big guy……it’s going to be alright.

Hulk: sniffle sniffle

JB: Come here you big green cuddle bear, c’mon, give jazzy a hug

Hulk: sniffle, sniffle, thanks man, I love you man

JB: It’s going to be ok Hulk…..gonna be just fine.

JB: Ok, so he was a pretty big dude but this looks legit

JB: never had to wear a towel before usually just pop under the sheet

Massage Therapist: sir, yes please, towel sir, no tight

JB: Umm, uhh, oh

Massage Therapist: Like this, like this

JB: Ah, ah, ummm yup, yup I’m definitely naked, yup he just took the towel off, oh, nope, put it back on me, ok good

JB: ok, that’s cool, just warming it up before we get started, just warming up the back

JB: this is good, feelin good, feelin relaxed…..reeeeeeelaxed

JB: uh, uh, there goes the towel again, yup definitely naked again

JB: oh, uh, yup, definitely just pinched the skin between my butt cheeks….yup definitely not the butt cheeks, yup definitely between the butt cheeks, is there skin there? He’s pinching something

JB: ow, ow, shit, ow, pinching and snapping the skin all the way up my back……hmmm, feels kind of good actually…..what’s that saying again…..”why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer?, because it feels so good when I stop”…..yup kind of like that saying.

JB: ahhh that’s better, back to some more normal stuff

JB: feelin good, feelin relaxed, feelin real good

JB: hmmm, he must be employing the ancient technique known as tapotement.  Ummm, hmmm, nope, nope, definitely just hitting me……ow, ow, yup definitely hitting me.  Oh dear, I think I’m getting a spanking, yup definitely getting a spanking.  Yup he’s definitely hitting me with great force……try not to laugh, try not to laugh, don’t laugh, don’t laugh…….my mom’s in a wheelchair…….ahhh, that’s better thanks mom saved the day.

JB: oh yeah, getting relaxed, relaxed, feeling good

JB: Workin the legs, sweet, legs are tired……..uh uh uh, inner legs……uh, bingo, just touched mr. bigglesworth, yup definitely mr bigglesworth…..margaret thatcher wearing drag, margaret thatcher wearing drag, maragaret thatcher wearing drag…..whew, close call, thanks Margaret thatcher

Massage Therapist: Sir, this way, this way

JB: “Flip over?”

Massage Therapist: Sir, please, yes sir

JB: oh, there goes the towel, well, over I go, yup definitely naked sunny side up

JB: oh good, towel back on

JB: ahh good, more standard stuff, feelin good, feelin relaxed, feelin reeeeeeelaxed

JB: hmm, not too bad……..uh, there goes the hitting again, yup definitely hitting, lots of hitting, feels kind of good but definitely hitting

Massage Therapist: Ok sir, finished

JB: Thanks, that was great

Reception Desk: Thank you Mr. Blake, how was your massage

JB: Great!  You got any space tomorrow?

Reception Desk: Tomorrow sir?  Yes sir, no problem, how is 3pm

JB: Perfect, see you then.

SM: Jazz, I need to talk, it’s about Lois.

JB: Yeah, what’s up?

SM: I’m sensing some distance, it’s like she’s just not that into me anymore

JB: Dude, I hate to break it to you but she’s been married to another guy for over 4 years

SM: Yeah so what’s your point?

JB: She left you 4 years ago for another man, that’s my point.

SM: I think she still loves me.

JB: She got a restraining order against you, I think it’s safe to say she doesn’t really love you anymore.

SM: I think that restraining order was her way of telling me she loves me

JB: Ummmm, I think I distinctly remember her saying that she hates your guts and never wants to see you again and wishes you would “fly your ass back to Krypton, crawl into a hole and die”

SM: Yeah but that was over a week ago

JB: Sit down for a second Superman.  I’m going to give it to you straight.  LOIS DOES NOT LOVE YOU ANYMORE!  You have to let this one go, she’s moved on.  You haven’t been with her for over 5 years, she moved to a different state, got a restraining order and hired Lex Luthor as her personal body guard to keep you away.  She even wears a Kryptonite vest just in case you ever decide to come around.

SM:  I think it’s just her way of saying she’s still into me

JB: Ummm, no, no it’s not.

SM: She seems so unhappy though

JB: She’s happier than she’s been in years.  She has three kids with another man, she’s a successful journalist for the New York times, she won a Pulitzer prize for her book “Superman the Life and Times of a Douchebag” and she was made a Dame of the British Royal Empire and she’s not even British.

SM: Yeah but I’m Superman

JB: Superman, you’re one of my best friends but you need to take a close look at yourself?  You’re an ass!  You fly around like you own the world.  You’re a womanizing, pot smoking drunk during the day and you egg people’s houses at night.  You’re cheap as hell……in fact you’ve even sent me an invoice after I came over to your place for dinner one night.

SM: Those steaks were expensive man.

JB: You need to quit being such an ass.

SM: But what about my ability to fly and my super cooling breath that can freeze water and my eyes that can burn through steel like laser beams?

JB: These are all things that you can do and granted they are really cool but it’s who’s inside that counts.  It’s what kind of person you are that really matters, not your laser beam eyes….that shit is getting old and this conversation is starting to piss me off.

SM: Do you want to come over later and hang out?

JB:  Sure dude, that would be fun.

SM: Great, I’ll see if Lois wants to come.

Woman:  What the hell are you doing in here?  This is the Ladies washroom you creep

JB: Uhhhh, oh yeah….sorry.

Woman:  Were you peeing in the sink?

JB: Oh, that’s a sink?

Woman: Get out you jerk!!

JB: Hey Batman, what’s up?  What are you doing here?

BM: Man, I had the worst day.  I had one of those days where everything just seemed to go south.  I’m so depressed!

JB: Dude, you’re bringing us all down here.  Why don’t you start by taking off that ridiculous outfit.  Shit man, you even have fake pointy ear things on top of that helmet or whatever it is.  You know you’re way cooler as Bruce Wayne and besides, everyone knows who you are now anyway.  Do you really think people can’t tell it’s you under that costume.  That helmet thing only covers half your face-it’s ridiculous dude, grow up.

BM: Whoa!  I came here for a little support man.  What’s your problem?  I just wanted to talk about my day.

JB:  I’m sorry man but we’re all just tired of you walking around like that.  You’re 48 years old dude….crime fighting days are over.  The Joker died 15 years ago and you haven’t had to do anything since.  You’re still wearing the same outfit and for some reason you think it’s a good idea to put it on every day.  It’s full of holes and smells like moth balls and it’s 3 sizes to small.  Get a life man.

BM:  You know, I think this is exactly what I needed, someone to tell it to me straight.  I’ve felt so lost for the last 15 years.

JB:  Dude, you’re like one of my best buddies, I just hate seeing you like this.  For crying out loud man, you’re a billionaire.  You’re family has been in the arms business since you were  a kid…..do something productive there, build some weapons or something.  Whatever you do just stop trying to be Batman, it’s embarrassing everyone.  When was the last time you went on a date?

BM:  I haven’t been on a date in years.

JB:  You know why?

BM: No

JB: Because every time you try and ask someone out on a date your dressed up like a bat!

BM: hmmm

JB: Do the math buddy, women your age aren’t into that shit anymore.  They want the man under the bat costume….they want Bruce Wayne!

BM: hmmmmm

JB: Now go home, take a shower, shave the stubble off your face and come back in an hour, I’ll invite over some ladies and we’ll play Beattles rock band.

BM: Jazz, you sure are a good friend, thanks for taking the time.

JB: Shut up and go shower, you smell like you fell into one of those portapotties.

BM: hmmmm, actually I did…..I dropped one of my Bat shaped ninja stars from my utility belt

JB: Dude you’re killing me here, you actually went into a portapotty after one of your bat ninja stars?  Don’t you have hundreds of those things?

BM: Ummm yeah, i have over 1000 of them- it was my favorite one.

JB: I’m lost for words- go take a shower and be back in an hour

BM: Are we cool?

JB: Yeah we’re cool.

BM: See ya buddy

JB: See ya bud….good chatting.

Dear Blog,

It’s me again.  I know it’s going to be a bit awkward but I’m hoping you won’t mind if Twitter comes to live with us for a bit.  We can treat it like a fun experiment, you know, kind of like Three’s Company.  Don’t worry, she doesn’t say much, in fact she never says more than 140 letters at a time including spaces…..I know, I know, it’s a totally bizarre way to communicate but between you and me I think she is a few fries short of a happy meal.

Hopefully you can learn to accept these new living arrangements but again, i will stress that you really do not have any choice in the matter.

Love Jasper

Dear Blog,

Please take me back.  I’ve realized that there really is not much depth to twitter.  She only wants short conversations that don’t really go anywhere.  She seems only interested in the trivial things I do during the day and if I talk too much she cuts me off which is kind of rude.  It’s like she’s playing hard to get and I will admit that I do find that oddly intriguing.  That said, I miss the connection we had at a deeper level.  I’m hoping that I can use twitter for quick flings when I am looking for excitement but I am still interested in a long term relationship with you.

Twitter and I have very passionate chemistry.  You and I have that nurturing kind of relationship that makes me appreciate home and comfort and security.  I am so conflicted because at the moment I want both of these things in my life.  Twitter is so exciting and unpredictable, like a firefly.  You are more like a hippopotamus….big, strong, rooted to the ground and fun to cuddle with.

I know you are not really into open relationships but you really don’t have much choice.

Love Jasper