JB: Ok, so he was a pretty big dude but this looks legit

JB: never had to wear a towel before usually just pop under the sheet

Massage Therapist: sir, yes please, towel sir, no tight

JB: Umm, uhh, oh

Massage Therapist: Like this, like this

JB: Ah, ah, ummm yup, yup I’m definitely naked, yup he just took the towel off, oh, nope, put it back on me, ok good

JB: ok, that’s cool, just warming it up before we get started, just warming up the back

JB: this is good, feelin good, feelin relaxed…..reeeeeeelaxed

JB: uh, uh, there goes the towel again, yup definitely naked again

JB: oh, uh, yup, definitely just pinched the skin between my butt cheeks….yup definitely not the butt cheeks, yup definitely between the butt cheeks, is there skin there? He’s pinching something

JB: ow, ow, shit, ow, pinching and snapping the skin all the way up my back……hmmm, feels kind of good actually…..what’s that saying again…..”why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer?, because it feels so good when I stop”…..yup kind of like that saying.

JB: ahhh that’s better, back to some more normal stuff

JB: feelin good, feelin relaxed, feelin real good

JB: hmmm, he must be employing the ancient technique known as tapotement.  Ummm, hmmm, nope, nope, definitely just hitting me……ow, ow, yup definitely hitting me.  Oh dear, I think I’m getting a spanking, yup definitely getting a spanking.  Yup he’s definitely hitting me with great force……try not to laugh, try not to laugh, don’t laugh, don’t laugh…….my mom’s in a wheelchair…….ahhh, that’s better thanks mom saved the day.

JB: oh yeah, getting relaxed, relaxed, feeling good

JB: Workin the legs, sweet, legs are tired……..uh uh uh, inner legs……uh, bingo, just touched mr. bigglesworth, yup definitely mr bigglesworth…..margaret thatcher wearing drag, margaret thatcher wearing drag, maragaret thatcher wearing drag…..whew, close call, thanks Margaret thatcher

Massage Therapist: Sir, this way, this way

JB: “Flip over?”

Massage Therapist: Sir, please, yes sir

JB: oh, there goes the towel, well, over I go, yup definitely naked sunny side up

JB: oh good, towel back on

JB: ahh good, more standard stuff, feelin good, feelin relaxed, feelin reeeeeeelaxed

JB: hmm, not too bad……..uh, there goes the hitting again, yup definitely hitting, lots of hitting, feels kind of good but definitely hitting

Massage Therapist: Ok sir, finished

JB: Thanks, that was great

Reception Desk: Thank you Mr. Blake, how was your massage

JB: Great!  You got any space tomorrow?

Reception Desk: Tomorrow sir?  Yes sir, no problem, how is 3pm

JB: Perfect, see you then.

SM: Jazz, I need to talk, it’s about Lois.

JB: Yeah, what’s up?

SM: I’m sensing some distance, it’s like she’s just not that into me anymore

JB: Dude, I hate to break it to you but she’s been married to another guy for over 4 years

SM: Yeah so what’s your point?

JB: She left you 4 years ago for another man, that’s my point.

SM: I think she still loves me.

JB: She got a restraining order against you, I think it’s safe to say she doesn’t really love you anymore.

SM: I think that restraining order was her way of telling me she loves me

JB: Ummmm, I think I distinctly remember her saying that she hates your guts and never wants to see you again and wishes you would “fly your ass back to Krypton, crawl into a hole and die”

SM: Yeah but that was over a week ago

JB: Sit down for a second Superman.  I’m going to give it to you straight.  LOIS DOES NOT LOVE YOU ANYMORE!  You have to let this one go, she’s moved on.  You haven’t been with her for over 5 years, she moved to a different state, got a restraining order and hired Lex Luthor as her personal body guard to keep you away.  She even wears a Kryptonite vest just in case you ever decide to come around.

SM:  I think it’s just her way of saying she’s still into me

JB: Ummm, no, no it’s not.

SM: She seems so unhappy though

JB: She’s happier than she’s been in years.  She has three kids with another man, she’s a successful journalist for the New York times, she won a Pulitzer prize for her book “Superman the Life and Times of a Douchebag” and she was made a Dame of the British Royal Empire and she’s not even British.

SM: Yeah but I’m Superman

JB: Superman, you’re one of my best friends but you need to take a close look at yourself?  You’re an ass!  You fly around like you own the world.  You’re a womanizing, pot smoking drunk during the day and you egg people’s houses at night.  You’re cheap as hell……in fact you’ve even sent me an invoice after I came over to your place for dinner one night.

SM: Those steaks were expensive man.

JB: You need to quit being such an ass.

SM: But what about my ability to fly and my super cooling breath that can freeze water and my eyes that can burn through steel like laser beams?

JB: These are all things that you can do and granted they are really cool but it’s who’s inside that counts.  It’s what kind of person you are that really matters, not your laser beam eyes….that shit is getting old and this conversation is starting to piss me off.

SM: Do you want to come over later and hang out?

JB:  Sure dude, that would be fun.

SM: Great, I’ll see if Lois wants to come.

Woman:  What the hell are you doing in here?  This is the Ladies washroom you creep

JB: Uhhhh, oh yeah….sorry.

Woman:  Were you peeing in the sink?

JB: Oh, that’s a sink?

Woman: Get out you jerk!!

JB: Hey Batman, what’s up?  What are you doing here?

BM: Man, I had the worst day.  I had one of those days where everything just seemed to go south.  I’m so depressed!

JB: Dude, you’re bringing us all down here.  Why don’t you start by taking off that ridiculous outfit.  Shit man, you even have fake pointy ear things on top of that helmet or whatever it is.  You know you’re way cooler as Bruce Wayne and besides, everyone knows who you are now anyway.  Do you really think people can’t tell it’s you under that costume.  That helmet thing only covers half your face-it’s ridiculous dude, grow up.

BM: Whoa!  I came here for a little support man.  What’s your problem?  I just wanted to talk about my day.

JB:  I’m sorry man but we’re all just tired of you walking around like that.  You’re 48 years old dude….crime fighting days are over.  The Joker died 15 years ago and you haven’t had to do anything since.  You’re still wearing the same outfit and for some reason you think it’s a good idea to put it on every day.  It’s full of holes and smells like moth balls and it’s 3 sizes to small.  Get a life man.

BM:  You know, I think this is exactly what I needed, someone to tell it to me straight.  I’ve felt so lost for the last 15 years.

JB:  Dude, you’re like one of my best buddies, I just hate seeing you like this.  For crying out loud man, you’re a billionaire.  You’re family has been in the arms business since you were  a kid…..do something productive there, build some weapons or something.  Whatever you do just stop trying to be Batman, it’s embarrassing everyone.  When was the last time you went on a date?

BM:  I haven’t been on a date in years.

JB:  You know why?

BM: No

JB: Because every time you try and ask someone out on a date your dressed up like a bat!

BM: hmmm

JB: Do the math buddy, women your age aren’t into that shit anymore.  They want the man under the bat costume….they want Bruce Wayne!

BM: hmmmmm

JB: Now go home, take a shower, shave the stubble off your face and come back in an hour, I’ll invite over some ladies and we’ll play Beattles rock band.

BM: Jazz, you sure are a good friend, thanks for taking the time.

JB: Shut up and go shower, you smell like you fell into one of those portapotties.

BM: hmmmm, actually I did…..I dropped one of my Bat shaped ninja stars from my utility belt

JB: Dude you’re killing me here, you actually went into a portapotty after one of your bat ninja stars?  Don’t you have hundreds of those things?

BM: Ummm yeah, i have over 1000 of them- it was my favorite one.

JB: I’m lost for words- go take a shower and be back in an hour

BM: Are we cool?

JB: Yeah we’re cool.

BM: See ya buddy

JB: See ya bud….good chatting.

Dear Blog,

It’s me again.  I know it’s going to be a bit awkward but I’m hoping you won’t mind if Twitter comes to live with us for a bit.  We can treat it like a fun experiment, you know, kind of like Three’s Company.  Don’t worry, she doesn’t say much, in fact she never says more than 140 letters at a time including spaces…..I know, I know, it’s a totally bizarre way to communicate but between you and me I think she is a few fries short of a happy meal.

Hopefully you can learn to accept these new living arrangements but again, i will stress that you really do not have any choice in the matter.

Love Jasper

Dear Blog,

Please take me back.  I’ve realized that there really is not much depth to twitter.  She only wants short conversations that don’t really go anywhere.  She seems only interested in the trivial things I do during the day and if I talk too much she cuts me off which is kind of rude.  It’s like she’s playing hard to get and I will admit that I do find that oddly intriguing.  That said, I miss the connection we had at a deeper level.  I’m hoping that I can use twitter for quick flings when I am looking for excitement but I am still interested in a long term relationship with you.

Twitter and I have very passionate chemistry.  You and I have that nurturing kind of relationship that makes me appreciate home and comfort and security.  I am so conflicted because at the moment I want both of these things in my life.  Twitter is so exciting and unpredictable, like a firefly.  You are more like a hippopotamus….big, strong, rooted to the ground and fun to cuddle with.

I know you are not really into open relationships but you really don’t have much choice.

Love Jasper

Dear Blog,

I’ve discovered Twitter.  We’re breaking up.

Love Jasper