JB: Hey I just got this package from you but there must be some mistake

Shimano: Yes, we sent you a package

JB: Yeah but did you check it before you sent it?

Shimano: Yes, what do you mean?

JB: I mean, did you check and see what you were actually sending to me?

Shimano: Yes, I’m pretty sure we did, why is there a problem?

JB: No, ummm, no problem at all, just wanted to be sure you actually meant to send that package

Shimano: Look, it sounds like there might be a problem.  Was there a problem with the package that came

JB: No no…..no problem at all

A recent conversation I had with myself later that day

JB: Ha, they must have made a mistake for sure…those idiots….they must have thought this Di2 group was going to Oscar Freire…..this is the coolest thing I’ve ever seen.  It’s all electric and all I have to do is push buttons to switch gears….you gotta be kidding me!   And check out these wheels man…., prototype C75’s for sure this was not supposed to be sent here…….what they don’t know won’t hurt them i guess.

Hulk: Hey Jazz, you got a minute?

JB: Yeah, sure thing Hulk, what’s up

Hulk: I just don’t seem to connect that well with people these days.  I mean I used to really hit it off with everyone but now people just avoid me for some reason

JB: Uh huh…..

Hulk: And I can’t seem to keep any girlfriends longer than one date

JB: Uh huh…..

Hulk: And my….you know…..my testes are shrinking

JB: Nice

Hulk: Look man, it’s really embarrassing, I’m not sure what the problem is

JB: Look Hulk, I’m going to level with you.  You know what the problem is?

Hulk: Umm no

JB: Dude, c’mon, I’m like your best friend here, I know what’s going on be straight with me

Hulk: What do you mean?

JB: Don’t be shittin me hulk, it’s pretty obvious

Hulk: What’s obvious?

JB: Dude you gotta lay off the steroids man

Hulk: Are you accusing me of what I think you are?

JB: Oh come on man, it’s pretty obvious

Hulk: WTF, I’m not juicing

JB: Hulk it’s time to come clean buddy, I know you’re doing some kind of wacky shit

Hulk: What makes you think that?

JB: Are you kidding me?  Have you taken a look in the mirror lately?  You’re enormous man.  This is ridiculous, you’ve grown like 2 feet since I last saw you, your absolutely huge, I mean look at you in your ripped cut in half jean short things and that shirt thing or whatever it is.

Hulk: You mean you don’t know my story?  About how I got like this?

JB: Oh dear, here we go again……yeah, I know, the thing with the military experiment and all that, I’ve heard it dozens of times before but it’s a load of crap and you and I both know it.  You’re so deep into the steroid lie that you can’t even remember the truth

Hulk: No but seriously, there was this military thing with something else and some experiment thing that went wrong and there were these guys who did this thing and it was dark and a lot of stuff happened and the military was involved and they made me into the hulk.

JB: Are you listening to yourself?

Hulk: Ummm

JB: Seriously, listen to how ridiculous you sound

Hulk: Ummm

JB: Dude the signs are all there.  First of all you’re the biggest man I know by far.  You have an incredibly short temper when you get angry, that’s called roid rage, your testes are so small they’re disappearing back into your stomach…those are called roid raisins and that green shit all over you, I’m not even sure what that is.

Hulk: That’s my skin, that’s the color of my skin when I get angry

JB: No, nope, no…..it’s make up, look, I can scrape it off with my finger….how long did it take you to put that on anyway?

Hulk: 3 hours

JB: Do you do it every day?

Hulk: Yes

JB: Hulk you have to get hold of yourself.  Steroids are very bad for you and you look like an idiot

Hulk: You don’t like my muscles?

JB: No, you went too far, they’re too big dude, they look stupid

Hulk: Really

JB: Seriously man, do you ever even do any cardio?

Hulk: No

JB: You need to get your ass on the stair climber and treadmill and shed some of that crap

Hulk: Cardio?  Cardio is for sissy’s!  I eat cardio machines for breakfast

JB: Seriously man, look at all your cardio options these days…..it’s great….you got the stairmaster, stair climber, elliptical, spin bike, inverted bike, bike with arm things, Nordic track, treadmill, fitter, rowing machine, hand cycle…..heck, there’s a toy for everyone who is just too dam lazy to go for a walk outside.  You can even watch TV while you do it so you really don’t have to be engaged with the activity at all.  You can be completely void of any attachment to the joy of fitness.  You can get on a thing that moves your limbs for you while you watch Jerry Springer interview a neo nazi pedophile who is sleeping with his moms sister.  Cardio is really great these days.

Hulk: I only do bench press and leg press, how else do you think I got like this?  How much can you bench press little man?

JB:  I can bench about 100lbs

Hulk: Ha, that’s so lame, I can bench press a car and I can leg press all the 45 pounders at once.  I may not have any nutsack but I have quads to die for.

JB: Did you just use the term “to die for?”  Anyway, big deal Hulk, have you ever considered the strength of your heart?  I’m telling you man, you need to start doing some cardio.

Hulk: Ha, “strength of your heart”, something sissy’s would say.  My heart isn’t for strength it’s for love with the ladies

JB: How are you supposed to “love the ladies” if your testes are shrinking back into your abdomen.  You’re a moron Hulk, get a grip.  Steroids are for losers.

Hulk: hmmmm

Hulk: hmmm, ummm, hmmmm

Hulk: umm, hmmm, ummmm

Hulk: sniffle, sniffle

JB: Are you crying?

Hulk: sniffle, sniffle….DON”T LOOK AT ME!

JB: OMG, you’re crying!…..ha, that’s awesome….., you’re make up is running….ha, awesome

Hulk: I’m so sorry man, it’s time to come clean, you’re right

JB: That’s it buddy, let it out…..let it out…..that’s it big guy……it’s going to be alright.

Hulk: sniffle sniffle

JB: Come here you big green cuddle bear, c’mon, give jazzy a hug

Hulk: sniffle, sniffle, thanks man, I love you man

JB: It’s going to be ok Hulk…..gonna be just fine.

JB: Ok, so he was a pretty big dude but this looks legit

JB: never had to wear a towel before usually just pop under the sheet

Massage Therapist: sir, yes please, towel sir, no tight

JB: Umm, uhh, oh

Massage Therapist: Like this, like this

JB: Ah, ah, ummm yup, yup I’m definitely naked, yup he just took the towel off, oh, nope, put it back on me, ok good

JB: ok, that’s cool, just warming it up before we get started, just warming up the back

JB: this is good, feelin good, feelin relaxed…..reeeeeeelaxed

JB: uh, uh, there goes the towel again, yup definitely naked again

JB: oh, uh, yup, definitely just pinched the skin between my butt cheeks….yup definitely not the butt cheeks, yup definitely between the butt cheeks, is there skin there? He’s pinching something

JB: ow, ow, shit, ow, pinching and snapping the skin all the way up my back……hmmm, feels kind of good actually…..what’s that saying again…..”why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer?, because it feels so good when I stop”…..yup kind of like that saying.

JB: ahhh that’s better, back to some more normal stuff

JB: feelin good, feelin relaxed, feelin real good

JB: hmmm, he must be employing the ancient technique known as tapotement.  Ummm, hmmm, nope, nope, definitely just hitting me……ow, ow, yup definitely hitting me.  Oh dear, I think I’m getting a spanking, yup definitely getting a spanking.  Yup he’s definitely hitting me with great force……try not to laugh, try not to laugh, don’t laugh, don’t laugh…….my mom’s in a wheelchair…….ahhh, that’s better thanks mom saved the day.

JB: oh yeah, getting relaxed, relaxed, feeling good

JB: Workin the legs, sweet, legs are tired……..uh uh uh, inner legs……uh, bingo, just touched mr. bigglesworth, yup definitely mr bigglesworth…..margaret thatcher wearing drag, margaret thatcher wearing drag, maragaret thatcher wearing drag…..whew, close call, thanks Margaret thatcher

Massage Therapist: Sir, this way, this way

JB: “Flip over?”

Massage Therapist: Sir, please, yes sir

JB: oh, there goes the towel, well, over I go, yup definitely naked sunny side up

JB: oh good, towel back on

JB: ahh good, more standard stuff, feelin good, feelin relaxed, feelin reeeeeeelaxed

JB: hmm, not too bad……..uh, there goes the hitting again, yup definitely hitting, lots of hitting, feels kind of good but definitely hitting

Massage Therapist: Ok sir, finished

JB: Thanks, that was great

Reception Desk: Thank you Mr. Blake, how was your massage

JB: Great!  You got any space tomorrow?

Reception Desk: Tomorrow sir?  Yes sir, no problem, how is 3pm

JB: Perfect, see you then.