EOM: First of all it’s a great pleasure to meet you. We’ve waited a long time to interview you and it truly is a great pleasure.
JB: I know
EOM: So let’s jump right in. To us you represent exactly what our publication is all about, manhood and being a man and the essence of all things MAN. You are literally oozing with man-ness. How do you do it?
JB: For some men it’s very hard to be awesome. Many of my colleagues have to put a lot of effort into being a man. They workout relentlessly, bathe regularly and their diet is very strict. I don’t really have to do any of that. For a very small percentage of us it comes naturally. I am one of those people. I don’t consider myself lucky, I consider myself totally awesome.
EOM: When did you realize you were a gifted man?
JB: You have to understand, there was no point of “realization”. That would imply that at some point I was unaware of the incredible specimen that I am but that was never the case. It’s like asking a tree “when did you realize you were a tree?” It’s a stupid question. I mean look at me, just look at it….hard to take your eyes off right?
EOM: You recently ventured to the North Pole to wrestle a Polar Bear. Polar Bears are renowned for their size and strength and they have been known to hunt humans. How did you ever come up with that idea?
JB: I was trying to think of something really big to fight and the Polar Bear immediately jumped to mind. When you are a man you have this urge to fight things all the time. The Polar Bear seemed like a natural choice.
EOM: How did it turn out?
JB: Well we ventured out onto a giant ice sheet where there was recently a Polar Bear sighting and I called out “hey polar bear come here I’m going to fight you” after hours of taunting the beast he finally came out of his burrow and walked over to me. I removed all clothing save for a loinclothth given to me by an Angel and we did battle right there on the frozen ice. The fight lasted several hours where we exchanged blows. He got some good shots in including one to my abdomen that disemboweled me but it was a lucky shot. In the end I used my own intestines to put him in a strangle hold and he eventually tapped out. I sewed myself back together using strands of his hair and kept a little piece of my intestine as a souvenir to remind me of mans struggle for existence in this crazy world. The Polar Bear crawled back to his burrow after conceding that he had met his match. I shook his paw and told him to never give up and to always give 110% in life no matter what. I think he appreciated the gesture despite being quite down about the fight. Later that night I went back to his burrow and had sex with his female companion.
EOM: You had sex with a Polar Bear?
EOM: What inspired you to take on the challenge of fighting a Polar Bear?
JB: I did it for the kids. We raised over one billion dollars for the children of the Hamptons
EOM: The children of the Hamptons? Don’t you mean the children of Haiti?
JB: No, the children of the Hamptons.
EOM: The children of the Hamptons have tons of money I’m a bit confused
JB: You can never have too much money. These kids have big dreams. I support big dreamers. Say for example you are worth fifty million dollars but you really want to get to a billion dollars. Do you have any idea how far it is from fifty million to a billion? A billion is one thousand million so you can imagine how long it would take you to get to a billion if you only had fifty million. I help these kids get to a billion and thus help the collective energy of the human consciousness.
EOM: But don’t you think that money could have been better spent in Haiti?
EOM: Moving on, you recently hit a milestone on twitter. You tweeted for the 1000th time. Can you tell us how that felt?
JB: I mean obviously it was great to reach such a significant point in my life. I knew 1000 tweets was possible when I started but I just didn’t realize how great it would feel when I finally got there.
EOM: How many followers do you have?
JB: I have 1.3 trillion followers.
EOM: Ummm there’s not even that many people in the world
JB: Curious isn’t it?
EOM: Your tweets always say so much in so few characters. How do you do this?
JB: I’ve developed my own language to communicate with people. I basically just take the first letter of each word I’m representing and I put that down instead of the whole word so instead of getting 140 letters I literally get 140 words per tweet.
EOM: Can you give us an example?
JB: Sure, here’s one I did recently:
EOM: And what does that translate out to?
JB: “Currently getting an exact replica tattoo of myself on my back so it looks like i’ve got two fronts. This way you never know whether I’m coming or going and no matter how old I get I will always have one side that looks like I do now in my prime looking great even though I’m one of those people who looks better with age. Be sure to check me out on the Today show later this week where I will be letting people catch a whiff of my essence live in studio at 30 Rockefeller plaza in New York City. I know Katie Couric is looking forward to smelling me. Later that night I will be hosting Saturday night live with @justintimberlake and @justinbeiber and then we will be eating steaks and having sex with women all night #dontyouwishyouhadmylife”
EOM: I’m a bit confused, how are people supposed to know all that by only having access to the first letter of each word? It could mean anything.
JB: People will figure it out if they try hard enough, as I always say you have to give it 135% in life no matter what and if you are willing to give up on that then you are a quitter.
EOM: So what’s up next for you?
JB: Usually what’s up next with me is none of your business
EOM: This next question is one a lot of our female readers have been dying to know. I hate to pry into your personal life but I just have to ask. Are you single?
JB: What do you think dumb-ass? Look at me, just take a good look and ask yourself would a guy with that body and that intellect be single?
EOM: So, are you single?
JB: No, I’m happily married to a woman who just oozes woman-ness. She radiates femininity and can shoot fireworks from her boobs. We are like the north and south pole. We have two kids and they are superhuman, kind of like Bam Bam and Pebbles from the Flintstones.
EOM: Thanks so much for allowing us to speak with you on all things man. To finish off we are hoping you can share a couple tips with our readers on how to exude machismo.
JB: Sure not a problem, here’s some things you as a man can do to be more like me as a man:
- Always give it 150% no matter what
- There are times when you may need to give it 200% like if you are fighting a polar bear so always be ready to give it more than 150%
- Make sure you smell good
- Be Aloof
- Wear sunglasses inside
- Never cry…..EVER!